at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
