he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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