I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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