pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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