I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
