i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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