i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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