I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
