my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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