after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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