Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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