Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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