shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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