Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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