your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
