that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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