i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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