Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
