when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
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I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"