today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
