If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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