Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
