why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
