I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
