I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
