Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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