You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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