I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
