it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
