he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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