I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize