I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
