dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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