Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
