Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
