onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
