i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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