Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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