look no pants
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
