I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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