I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
