At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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