my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
