I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
