I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
