oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
