We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
