She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
