He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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