My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
