The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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