My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
