You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
