i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
