We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
