I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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