Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
