yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
