Non-Jews are for practice
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
