Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
