i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
