her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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