she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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